by Shelby McQuilkin
I don’t know if it has anything to do with Covid-19, all these mixed emotions that swell and rage and dissipate, often within a single day. But I think this lock-down acts like a incubator to warm and feed and grow them with no release valve.
It’s okay not to be okay, I’ve heard. That’s a relief.
First the joy: Singing and dancing with my granddaughter, listening to her laughter, feeling her fly-by hugs, snuggling while we read to each other. A trip to the beach to see the elephant seals, catching tadpoles in a creek.
Then the grief: Son missing. Haven’t heard from him in a month. So unlike him. Called the jail, the hospitals, the homeless shelters, (not the morgue). Called his friends. Only one responded. She went to look for him where he’d last hung out by the riverside. But he’s not there, she said. Mostly it’s been cleared out, the tent city where the homeless reside.
I think: Even if he called, how could I help him? What could I say beyond I love you, get help, get well, stay safe, be strong, don’t give up, fight to get your life back. And then a week would go by with no word from him, and another, and another, and then I’m back to where I am now. When does it end? And in a way that doesn’t tear me apart?
Then there’s the in-between, all that lies between joy and grief: Can’t write, can’t paint, no time to myself. Homeschooling stretching out 4, 5, 6 hours a day. Constant worry about the virus, the isolation, the welfare of the nation, our democracy under Trump, my daughter and son-in-law trying to survive their lock-down, working from home. The court hearing for guardianship postponed again. My husband disengaged, rattling around the house trying to stay out of the way, trying to keep busy. Both of us eating too much. Tired all the time.
A major wedding anniversary comes and goes, un-celebrated. Unless home-delivered pizza and chocolate cake count.
A few good books and movies to distract us. Downton Abby movie last night, Ozark series last week. The Last Kingdom starting soon. The Immortalists by Cloe Benjamin, The Bright Edge of the World by Eowyn Ivey, The Color of Lightning by Paulette Jiles. Escaping to other worlds.
Silly jokes and hilarious videos passed friend to friend by email.
Roses blooming, pool warming, frogs in full concert during the evening hours. Green hills, blue skies, wild flowers everywhere.
I’m blogging again. That’s something. First time in weeks.
So much to be grateful for midst the worry and grief. We have it better than most. How are you faring in this surreal landscape of Covid-19?
Thank you for putting words to the cacophony of feelings swirling in these uncertain times.
Cacophony is a great word to describe it
You describe the current situation so well, Deborah – this lockdown is like an incubator for emotions. Sorry to hear about your son. My husband’s son is absent from our lives too – as much as we tell ourselves he’s an adult, he made his choices, it still wears. Having the grandchildren around is a mixed blessing, lol. They do exhaust us. Ours are not here but have been trying to help with homeschooling via facetime.
Sorry for your loss too. So many similar stories. Thank you for coming here and sharing yours.
Welcome, Deborah!
It’s nice to “see” you back Deborah. I relate to the wild mix of emotions and for me a surreal sense of wondering if this is the new normal. Take care.
It’s good to be back. I hope it lasts!
Your incubator metaphor is spot-on and aids in understanding and thus helps to quell further fomentation of negative COVID-19 isolation thinking ‘spores’.
First off, like you said, with the joy: …Chocolate Cake ***always*** ‘counts’!
🙂
For us, that our youngest son and girlfriend returned stateside safely on March 25th (albiet fraught with lots of obstacles and detours) from their Peru/Argentina/Chile/Patagonia wilderness hiking trip before more border closures (been there since January with return slated for MidMay).
And that middle daughter is right now at this very moment defending her PhD thesis over ZOOM!
Secondly, the grief…(crying with you) and hurting for those who fear their ‘future’ has evaporated 100% before their very eyes…
Then the inbetween: Trying to keep a balance between schedule, spontaneity, meaningful use of COVID timelessness – strange knowing many of us are experiencing the same issues colored with our own personal circumstances – yet it helps…just reading your post replaced my lagging outlook on today with feeling less isolated/alone –
BTW: It is okay to not ‘produce’ a darn thing…I think there’s more pressure to ‘prove’ ourselves as creative artists right now in the respect of ‘How are you most efficiently using this odd time to create?’ Grrr.
Stay the course, flower-sister.
Thanks, Laura. Sounds like you are coping well too, despite the emotional turmoil. So happy to hear your kids are safe and nearby, always a relief. And yes, I do think we “creatives” try to push ourselves too hard, It’s okay not just chill during these trying times I keep telling myself..
I am with you. Stay strong. So many need you.
Thank you, Patricia. That means a lot.
Patricia906 has said what I wanted to say… I think of you often with your grand child, and your anxieties, and try to send you strength and comfort…
How sweet of you. It is a comfort to me knowing others are “with me” in spirit and heart.
I’ve also been trying to get back to my blog more often–glad to see you’ve been back at it too. My experience has been much like yours: feeling simultaneously fortunate, anxious, and bored. Hang in there.
Thanks, Cody. I will. You too!
I’m really sorry you’re going through such an emotional roller-coaster. Yes, of course tiny moments of grief are allowed, especially with everything that’s going on lately.
It’s great you have your granddaughter nearby and that you are blogging again. I feel I’ve had more time for blogging, writing and other artistic endeavors too since isolating so there are surely benefits. Hang in there!
PS: You pick such beautiful paintings to go with your writing!
Thank you Gregorian. One of the things I love most about blogging is finding the perfect image to bring out visually something of what I’m trying to express in words. I love sharing artwork that moves me.
And you do it wonderfully. Adding the visual component is exciting for me as well most of the times 🙂
We really like how you walked us through how helpless we can feel during this pandemic when we don’t hear from loved ones knowing that there is very little we could do if we did. So, we would like to feature you in our upcoming issue of “This Just In… Tears Bloom.”
Thank you. I’m honored and would be delighted to be included
We are happy to have you with us. We will send you the link as soon as the video you will be featured in posts 🙂
Thanks, I’ll be looking forward to it!