I spent yesterday in the hospital with my son, who had overdosed on heroin. I’d found him that morning unconscious on the bathroom floor. I can’t tell you what it felt like to see him like that, a gray shadow of himself, limp, seemingly lifeless.
He has recovered. Physically, at least. But spiritually, mentally? I don’t know yet.
I wrote about him here, My Wild Child, less than a year ago, when I thought he’d finally made it. He’d been drug-free, working two jobs, happy, healthy, for over a year. He was in love with a beautiful woman, they had a new baby girl they adored, they were planning to marry. He was an attentive, tender, sweet father who was his daughter’s main caretaker while her mother worked days, he nights.
I was ecstatic with joy. My daughter had just married, and now my son, whom I had grieved over for years and years, had finally made it to the other side of his addiction and was living the life I had always dreamed for him. All my faith and tears and unconditional love and support, my hopes and prayers, had paid off it seemed. Finally. At long last. What joy.
I knew even while I was writing his story that there was an urgency to get it down now, quick, quick, before the bubble burst. I wanted so badly to be able to write this tale of survival and triumph, but deep in my heart where terror still taunted I was so afraid that something might happen to shatter it all. Quick, quick. Write it now. Now.
I don’t know what the answer is. For him. For me.
But what is the answer for the thousands who died in the Philippines from that recent hurricane? For the marines killed at Camp Pendleton last week during a routine demolition exercise? For the young woman shot in the face when seeking help after her car broke down?
At the hospital I talked for a long time with a sympathetic nurse who was going through similar trials with her own heroin-addicted son.
“He’s smart and good-looking, just like your son,” she said, shaking her head.
Why him? was the implication. Why our sons?
There is no answer maybe. But we keep hoping, we mothers. Between the rage, and fear, and tears, and despair. We keep hoping.
At least my son is still alive. For now. I have that. I have that.
Related articles
- State lawmaker whose daughter battles heroin addiction wants to save others (wisn.com)
- ‘The Face Of Heroin Has Changed,’ Family Warns After Losing Son, 19 (losangeles.cbslocal.com)
- The Addiction Puzzle: An Overdose Lifeline (bu.edu)
Deborah J. Brasket 
Oh my goodness! I will be praying for you and your son!
My prayers for your son. Addiction, as I have learned and continue to learn, is to me a response to a dissociation that happens to us. Something in our lives is too much for us and we disconnect, so to speak, from the pain of the event that causes us to need to dissociate.
We then seek relief from the psychic pain in drugs and alcohol. We cant mitigate it on our own or we dont think we can.
I am very aware that is not going to help you with your fears. I can only say that I hear you and empathize. I have seen so many come into the rooms of AA only to kill themselves when they dont have the relief from the psychic pain they carry.
You are in my prayers dear friend..
Jim
Thank you, Jim. Your prayers are welcome. I think you are right about the disassociation and psychic pain. How I wish I could heal that.
I feel like one who has aged during the reading of this story.
This past October 31st, my son overdosed on magic mushrooms. We all passed through it, like you and yours. My son turns 14 tomorrow.
I wait…and love…and hope.
We connect again, you and I. It’s good to have you here…near.
Thank you for sharing that with me. My love to you and yours.
So very sorry to hear this…children…they will always have our hearts through the good and the very bad.
I am sorry to “like” such a post. It seems backwards. I am truly sorry for your grieving heart and your son. As a person who had an addiction to crack cocaine for four years, I can somewhat relate to his situation. No, it is not something I am proud of. Yes, I made it through and have been clean for nearly 10 years. However, I know myself and what comes with the addictive personality, it’s always there. Sometimes it’s in the background and one doesn’t even think about it. Other times it rears it’s ugly head when you least expect it. You smell the familiar smells, your mouth dries out and your heart races. I know that if I was presented with what I often referred to as ‘my mistress’ (cocaine) that the life I know now would probably cease to exist. At least that’s always my fear. I’d lose it all. My family, my daughter, my house, my job…everything. There are days that it’s that fear alone that keeps me sober. Not every day mind you, but some. I wish I could tell you there was some magic formula to keep clean, but there isn’t. I wish I could even tell you that God Almighty could reach down and take every ounce of desire and addiction away. He could, but I don’t know that he will. It’s our free will. Our Choice. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hijack your post and write such a long comment, feel free to remove this if you need to. My heart goes out to you today, and I (as well as many of your other followers I’m sure) will be lifting both of you up in our prayers. We fall. Every day. Just some days the falls are longer, and harder than others. Feel free to reach out if there is anything you need.
I so appreciate what you shared here. I love these testimonies of recovery, that it can be done. I had never imagined it would go on this long. I am still hopeful. I have to be.
Deborah, I’m so sorry about your son’s addiction. We’ve gone through this stuff, too, and I am hoping we’re in a better spot, but this is the way it is with addictions, they are always there, flickering low and then bursting into flame for inexplicable reasons. Still, there are so many survivors who have been clean for decades to show that it can be done. xo
have no words only prayers for you and you son
Addiction is such a hard thing to deal with. We have someone in the family who is working through an addiction to alcohol, and it’s so painful to witness the struggle.
I read a really interesting article this week in Psychology Today (it’s on newsstands now — I can’t find an online version to link to) that talked about how doctors were often treating addiction itself (a symptom) rather than treating the emotional state that caused the addiction. It talked about how identifying a patient’s triggers (often, a feeling of powerlessness about a certain situation) helped keep that patient from falling back into addiction. Anyhow, it’s worth a read. Sending you prayers!
Thank you Christi. I’ll see if I can find that article. I think they are right about that, treating the symptom rather than the cause. The fact is, we are woefully lacking in our treatment of addiction and affordable programs to help people. Often addicts who are ready for help cannot find it when needed, at least nothing that they can afford. we’ve been waiting for a bed in a residential program for over a month now.
Deborah, I”ve been out of the blog loop for some time, but I’m back to say that this post deeply moved me. I have my own fears for my own kids, and we are all, everyone, just a heartbeat away from…we don’t know what. When it finally hits, it’s so hard for me to admit I’m helpless. I go into overdrive. I hope that your love will come through to your son as a pure flame–you can’t make anything happen for him, but love itself is a power. you are in my thoughts.
Reblogged this on I.O. Kirkwood and commented:
I.O.’s Aside: The seeming randomness of our tragedies gives me pause. It’s times like these when one questions if there is a Universal Intelligence/God. I wonder what answer you will come up with when you’re are standing at the edge of the abyss.
There is hope I am a recovering addict , there are fellowships that can and will help also check out manyfaces 1 voice via the Anonymous
Thank you for that and the encouragement.
Also, how could I forget to mention this? I have a lovely friend who was once heroin addicted. She stopped using “almost spontaneously” years ago–and a month or two later she conceived her only child, now in his 20s. She is one of my best friends, and a generous, loving, spiritually tuned in friend who is perhaps even more so because of all she’s been through. Good courage, Deborah.
Thank you, Helen. What a lovely, encouraging story.
Thank you for sharing this with us. There are moments of great promise when people seem “OK” and then things fall apart. The reasons for this overdose are surely complex, but what really struck me here is your comment above about how you’ve been trying to secure a spot for your son in residential treatment for a month! Herein lies a major part of the problem. We are just not taking care of the people in our society who need help. This appears to be why VA state senator Creigh Deeds’s son killed himself and almost killed his father–after being turned away from a psychiatric hospital due to lack of space. And some people are doing everything they can to undermine changes to our health care system that make mental health coverage mandatory. Keep hoping for your own sake and for your son’s sake but also for the sake of his daughter and her mother.
You are so right! There’s no excuse why there is not more help for anyone willing to take it. Doing so is not only the right thing to do, but economically, the wise thing to do as well. It is well documented how doing this would save the state millions of dollars over time.
I have good news! The bed we had been waiting for has now opened up and he will be going there tomorrow. I just wish it had come a day or two earlier and we may have been spared this heartache.
I woke this morning thinking about you and your son. I’m grateful he made it through the overdose, Deborah.
Having experienced the helplessness of loving someone with an addiction, your post touches home. In my own experience I think what surprised me the most was that my loved one has very few real memories of this decade of his life, nor the next decade when his addiction switched from drugs to alcohol. It was a struggle not to take this kind of abdication of life personally, since the ones who hold a better balance in the day to day also carry all the memories.
I’m grateful we have this community here, Deborah, so you can share this. I hope it helps…. I will keep you and your son in my heart.
Yes! I am so grateful for this community of support. The encouraging stories and testimonies, and helpful advice and resources, as well as the kind thoughts and loving prayers have been such a blessing. And perhaps it was all this positive energy coming our way that helped to open up a bed today in treatment program. I am so relieved and grateful.
As the parent of an addict, I completely understand your fears and pain. My best suggestion is that you take care of yourself. You can’t fix this or change it, and while some days/weeks/months are easier than others, the fear you feel will never go away completely. At least it hasn’t for me. I hope your son is able to get into a treatment facility soon.
Thank you–a bed did open up today!
Deborah, you are so brave to share this with us. I send prayers to you and your family.
my heart goes out to you Deborah, this was very heartbreaking to read knowing that Heroin is a profoundly difficult addiction, for many a lifelong issue. ty for sharing this, .
Addiction is a powerful thing, cunning and baffling. Even when one has decided to “Kick a hibit” the obsession or compulsion to drink or to use is still there for more until they can reach that point where they have a moment of clarity. For some, the obsession returns again and again. It doesn’t matter whether it is tobacco, alcohol, cocaine or heroine. Finding a spiritual program of recovery that provides support like NA (narcotics anonymous) or AA can help because the members are not emotionally attached like we parents are. We want to help our kids. When my daughter was struggling, I had a counselor tell me “Everything that you do FOR her makes her feel all the more inadequate and incapable of doing for herself.” I had never thought about it like that. I was just trying to help. I attend AA open speaker meetings with my husband on Tuesday nights. He is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober nine years. He says he stays sober one day at a time by following the 12 steps, applying them to his daily life. He has a higher power now, whom he chooses to call God. But it is a God of his understanding, not the vengeful God that he grew up with. He gets tremendous support from his fellows the AA program. They are “on call” for him 24/7 whether he needs to just vent about something going on with our relationship, an issue at work, or addiction issues. they support each other 100% and I am glad that he has them in his life. I know, as a parent, the anger/bitterness that you have is not directed at the person, but best directed at the disease of addiction and what it has done. As a nurse, I also know that the fear is very real as I have held the hand of those dying from addiction. Doing an intervention and getting into SOME sort of program of recovery and/or support is paramount. I will say a prayer, and trust that the decisions you and your son make will bring you relief.
I so appreciate your comments here. I know I should take more advantage of the AA and NA programs. At times my son has been very skeptical and disdainful of these programs, and other times they have truly been the help he needed. Being consistent is the key I think, and the program he is going into now should help him to do that.
I apologize if I came off sounding preachy. I thought about that after I posted. Going to those open speaker meetings with my husband on Tuesdays nights, I have really seen a lot of spiritual growth in so many people from so many backgrounds, and, of course, I don’t go to the closed meetings. My husband and I are not religious, in fact, I am very oppositional to organized religion. The program is not entirely secular because they promote “A God of your understanding.” It is, however a program of spiritual progress, not perfection. I drink socially on rare occasions when we go out to dinner, and my husband is fine with that. I am not the one with the addiction problem. They do have a motto that they say, especially when someone has to go back out and do some “research’, and that is “Keep coming back.” Relapse is a part of recovery. I wish you both well.
You did not come across as preachy in the least. I truly appreciated you sharing your experience, and it is my hope that my son will experience that spiritual growth you’ve seen at these meetings. I know from my own experience how a relationship with a higher power is so important.
Goodness, Deborah. I am so, so sorry. We know each other only through writing but still, that’s enough. My heart aches for you and your son. And for me and my son and all the fears I have about the future, though he’s only six. I’m thinking of you. Thanks for letting us know.
i’m so pained to hear of your suffering. i’ve made it through addiction, myself, and i still grieve for the impact my addictions had on those i love. much metta to you and your family. ❤
I’m terribly sorry to hear about your son… that must have just been absolutely terrifying, and unreal, to find him like that.
I don’t know the why, but i know addiction to that drug is incredibly strong, and he will probably always have cravings for it. I hope he can fight it. I hope he can go back to his life with his daughter and wife and grow stronger.
My thoughts and prayers to both of you.
I was so sorry to read about this, Deborah, and so glad to hear your son is still alive. Ironically, after I read your post, the next day at work I spent several hours searching the medical literature about opioid addiction (one of our ER physicians is looking for a grant to do research), and I kept thinking of you and your family. Addiction is such a widespread and a terrible problem. You’ve probably already done everything humanly possible, but I would encourage you to try to keep abreast of the very latest in effective addiction treatment. I have read, through my work, that there is wide variation in treatment patterns, and in many cases the best, evidence-based techniques are not being used. I am convinced addiction is, in part, a brain based disease, an illness that the person may have no control over.
It is brave and generous of you to write about this and share it with us – this is a subject that needs to be written about, and I think as a society we need to pay attention, we need to reach out to those suffering and their families, and we must find solutions and effective treatments.
Deborah, I am so sorry you and your family are dealing with such a brutal, heartbreaking situation. Take care of yourself during this bad time. Maybe see a counselor or go to a support group for those dealing with addictive family members.
I wish your son well, and I’m saying prayers for you and your family. .
I remember reading My Wild Child when you posted it. I wish I had more to offer than thoughts, Deborah. I’ll be hoping that he will gain strength, and that you will also find strength to deal with this. So very sorry for your heartache …